March 9, 2010

legacy of the aces: all in for the last win (03.06.2010)

this has been a delayed blog brought to you by yours truly.

but although it has been exactly 3 days after the graduation ball, i still feel the same happiness i felt during the night itself. i can still feel the same anticipation, the same nervousness, the same gladness and the same pure idiotic intentions i have come to admit that truly and really, was the most stupidest thing i've done in my whole entire life.

but i don't regret it. i never did.

a day before the grad ball, i stayed at home because of two reasons:
1. my dad was leaving (refer to this blog post)
2. i was mentally preparing myself. either for the worst or for the better.

so maybe you don't understand what i'm trying to say here. bottom line: i invited my all time crush as my graduation ball date and i was seriously freaking out. and if i knew how to or if i were capable, i'd induce hyperventilating to actually stress my point further.

i'm not really sure now if i like him or love him. there really is a thin line separating those two words and sometimes, it gets blurry to the point that it's almost hopeless to distinguish one from the other. but before the grad ball, i was sure that i just liked him. maybe obsessively liked, but i still liked him all the same.

come saturday at 3:00 pm, i was breathing in slowly at the salon, trying to calm down my jumpy nerves. that was it. that was where the nervousness started: the moment foundation was smeared on my face, i'm sure i've started to chant inwardly 'there's no turning back... there's no turning back...'

and the hours sped by. i was consciously looking at my cellphone's watch every now and than and by the time 6 pm struck, i was already at school, in my dress, with a little tiara on my head, all dolled up for the occasion with only courage holding on to my feet just to keep me from falling.

have you ever pictured a scenario where in from afar, you see the guy of your dreams slowly emerging from the closed door and as if he knew where to go, starts walking across the room towards you?

sure, i pictured that, but it never did happen. i guess i blame my stupidity for it, but i took the 'we'll fetch him from the basement (parking lot)' message and equated it to 'he'll come by car so i must look at all the cars that would pass by'message.

so yes, i did. i just looked at the cars while kate and i talked about every other random little detail we knew. i didn't even hear my name being called until it was kate screeching it. i turn around and voila! he's standing right there in front of me, all decked out in a manly fashion that i wanted to just fall on my knees and gape.

(justin, i'm sorry if you've come this far but i suggest you hit the back button and forget you started reading this... just in case ;D)

justin isn't at all the drop-dead-gorgeous guy you'd see in tv or in movies. he's more of like the ordinary (yet extraordinary) typical kind of guy. he has average looks but with an ultimately big heart. he's into swimming (i guess that's why he's dark) and he's in his school student coordinating team. so far, i've learned that he's a smart ass, kind-hearted person and he's sort of a martyr too. i think he's clearly a masochist but i'm not sure about that either. he has loads of friends (when i lack a lot) and he's undeniably witty at times. he's not into the modern-day society way of thinking and he keeps his distances when he knows he has to.

in short, he's your modern day gentleman, a straight descendant of those who lived in the era of Queen Victoria of England.

the moment my eyes landed on his, my mouth suddenly quirked into this shy awkward smile. how i know what kind of smile it was, well, that was just a guess, but i feel like i clearly mirrored the same smile on his face.

true, it was both our first time to go on a ball/dance/party with a date.

i forgot how he phrased it but the first thing he said after saying 'hi' was a complement to how i looked. whatever it was he said, i'm pretty sure it was akin to being pretty because it made me smile more.

and i met his mom too. although i hid behind him most of the time. i now ask myself why i even did that, but i guess that was something i wasn't ready to do. i could only manage a feeble wave and an even more feeble 'hello po'

when his mom and bea's parents were gone, we were just staring at each other, occasionally laughing to shake off a few bits of awkwardness. i mean, c'mon, for almost a year i haven't seen him but i had this big crush on him i couldn't really shove off.

'feel ko kinakabahan ako'

'ha! anu ka ba? dapat ako nagsasabi niyan eh'


'so... shall we go?'

he stretched his arm a bit and for a moment, i puzzled over what to do with it actually. should i? could i? whatever. i carefully twined my arm with his and walked.

that was just the start. that was the beginning.

so yes, maybe i was civilized during the early part of the grad ball, but by dinner time, i was totally losing composure and i couldn't resist but revert back to my old chatty, crazy self. i was laughing all over the place, going to places, dragging him everywhere, introducing him to this and that, talking about anything random...

i've had inward fan girl thoughts, especially when i poked him on the stomach and was amazed that it was seriously hard. no kidding, he had abs dude :| it was all fat and jello 10 months ago but hey, they're on their way to become abs :P and well, he grew taller too :) but i t was still fine for me that i wore flats :P it was to my utter advantage!~

there were really cute moments when we'd get our picture taken, or when he'd hold my stuff for me, or he'd get my drink. when we tasted the creme brulee together (because kate gave hers to me when i gave her my mango tart) and then we both put our teaspoons down at the same time and laughed because it tasted bad (well, for us, it did). when he allowed me to cling to his arm when i felt like it and when he never complained if i dragged him by the wrist or by the hand. when he asked if he should get water for me and i didn't want him to get it and we practically had to race back to the hall (i win of course ;P). when he didn't complain too much when i asked a lot and even answered every question i threw.

you know what, i really shouldn't have talked that much. i clearly remember that since we didn't hear each other exactly that well inside the venue, i had to inch close to his ear and sort of whisper/talk. sometimes my lips would even brush his ear, just momentarily like a fleeting second, and somehow it went unnoticed.

(bea, if you've also gone this far, i suggest you hit that back button as well. i don't know if justin told you everything i did but just in case... i don't want you to kill me tomorrow -- whenever that may be)

and when the dancing started. oh lord, i lost it. i was just practically living on the dance floor. sometimes i'd drag him with me but then he'd go back to the table and just stand there quietly. then i'd have to drag him again. i think i remember saying 'you're not stepping out of here until you take off that coat of yours' -- but of course, that never happened.

he was kind enough to go with kate chie (and myself) for pictures! :) yes, i've got loads of pictures but the most memorable one would be probably this one

because it is awesome :P definitely says a lot about the two of us :))

then the slow dance.

oh that one awkward slow dance.

it was kate who pushed us to do it. she was saying 'they're going to play slow songs so you guys should slow dance. just do it' and practically shoved us back inside the hall. while walking, i was gushing off how weird this looked and all that when he suddenly said 'ayaw mo ata eh' and proceeded to go back to where we were. oh yeah, guess what i did. i stopped him and clung to him like crazy and totally admitted 'oo na, gusto ko'.

he caught me there.

at first we just stood there and we didn't even touch and just swayed and talked when zhar suddenly arrived and said (practically screaming) 'ANONG KLASENG SLOW DANCE YAN! DAPAT GANITO!' so she grabs both of our hands and mashes it together, gets my other hand and slumps it to his shoulder. justin followed suit by holding my waist.

oh yes, i can remember the triumphant grin on zhar's face. priceless, if i weren't in a mortified state. fingers intertwined and slightly swaying back and forth in time with the song entitled 'No Air'.

so zhar goes back to her slow dance partner and we continue in silence. oh i could feel the awkwardness all right. i felt like crying badly, but i wasn't about to: not in front of him. i knew from the very start he didn't like me the same way i liked him, but it was ONE night. i had ONE night to own him, and if it that was what it took, then so be it.

a few minutes later, after glancing at the other couples, i blurted out the first idiotic thing i could think off

'i'm not going to do that'

(by that, i mean, wrapping my arms around his neck and bring our faces a bit more closer)

giggle. laugh. glance back.

i could still remember his low, baritone voice saying these words in reply:

'of course. limitations'

maybe at that moment, at that exact time he stopped speaking, when the words registered in my head.... i think i fell for him harder than i even meant to. (thus the reason why i can't say if i LIKE him or LOVE him).

we kept on the slow dancing for the entire song and half of 'Take a Bow' when we called it quits and just walked away from the dance floor arm in arm.

back then, i could feel the disappointment wash all over me, but it's only now that i realize that it was really for the good, if it weren't for the better. but anyway, i went back to the dancefloor and danced some more to shake off the dissapointment, leaving justin to kate and ichie's care.

when i came back, angel was kinda lecturing me about 'you shouldn't have left him' when he went to get some water. i couldn't really tell her back then why i left because i wouldn't think she'd take that as an excuse. i mean, of course they'd take his side of the story being left alone by the girl who asked him out.

but i couldn't push him any further. from the moment 10 pm struck, i could feel that he was starting to slip away. even during the slow dance i could feel like he was going to doze off. no kidding, he was tired, and i was REALLY pushing him to his limits already. he had some practice hours (swimming i guess) before the grad ball and the day before i don't think he was even home. angel wouldn't have known that but i did. so as mean as it may sound, i wanted to enjoy my grad ball dancing on the dance floor like crazy even if it meant leaving him because i was afraid he'd totally get mad at me for pushing him to do the impossible... especially at his state.

i forgot to mention that our base was the spot just beside the washroom, in front of the classroom near the stairs.

when we were the only ones left sitting on the floor, i couldn't help but do what couples usually do: i just practically slumped my body against him and laid my head on his shoulder. it felt nice really, couple or not, because it did. and we talked like that. of course i pulled away when i thought i was overdoing it but it was really... well... he didn't complain, didn't he? :)

when the event finally had to end, we were at loss for words. well, i was. i was wishing the night would never end, but that was just me. me and my wishful hoping. of course it should have an end :) everything does anyway.

so were we just standing behind bea and the others who were going to the after party, me excluded because i never got invited to it and because i was never allowed to go to one. we weren't really talking to each other by that time, and i was busy trying to take my attention off him already because, as i said before, i really hated good byes.

beforehand, i had a feeling that it would be the last time i'd see him after many many many years to come. i don't know where i got that idea, but i'm pretty sure it's the truth. asking him helped me piece a lot of missing spaces together. i've come up with one conclusion: it's either i take an effort to see him or i just wait for fate to lead us back together.

i vote for the latter.

their car came in first. funny how my car was just around 6 cars away but i didn't mention that.

i don't exactly know who initiated it, but we hugged. i don't remember if he looked at me asking for one or i did it on my own, but we just did.

and then, it happened.

i seriously wasn't thinking. my mind wasn't processing anything and i might've gone blank when i did it.

even before we could both let go, i took the chance and planted one, firm kiss on his cheek. just one. i've been dreaming to do that ever since summer but it had to happen that night. and oh lord, i thought i'd linger there for a few more second before entirely (but slowly) pull myself away.

(i find that kiss perfect btw. it was straight smack in the middle. not like the kisses i usually give to my friends that are off target and sometimes would land too close to the ear or too close to the mouth. it was just there, dead center.)

you know, what's funny is that the night started with a shy awkward smile and it ended with the both of us eliciting shy awkward smiles of our own.

i watched the car go with one single thought in mind: that no matter how crazy the night might have been, no matter how pathetic my passes to him were, i  could not absolutely regret anything and everything that i did.

and for a night, i could entirely say that he was, indeed, mine.


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