February 16, 2010

by a thread

that's how i feel like right now. after all that physics report and thesis fixing, i can finally write down what i actually feel.

by a thread. i'm hanging by a thread. a thread held by no other than the person i'm almost crazy over.

sometimes, after reflecting long and hard after what i've done or said, and after reading what he said in reply, i just don't know if he's being too kind, too sweet or what. i dunno.

he's being awfully nice. really sweet and sickly nice. it's eating away at me. me and my will power. it's chocking me to the point that i can't breath, i can't think.

the way that his words seemed double edged. with every reply, i feel like i've been sent both to heaven and to hell. i feel like i'm too happy for words and too lost for any of them. i feel confused. is this really what he's saying or is there anything behind them at all?

that's how i see every text message. that's how i see every reply. i don't know if i'm over-analyzing my situation, but think about it.

recently, i've just been told by my ex that i wasn't the type of person he would go for. as far as i'm concerned, he must've been referring to the outer shell than the inner shell.

that's how all guys see it right? they look at what's outside first before they actually see the inside. and that's what's troubling me.

and for god's sake, we're in Manila! we're in a capital where beauty is everything: where skin should be white, not brown, where hair should be straight  when it wasn't really created that way, where chests should be ultimately huge and to be liken to melons, where girls should be able to wear skirts so tiny that it reaches up to their underwear.

i'm not like that though... but i'm not saying he likes those either. what i'm saying is that in every guy, he looks for this stereotype-girl. a girl with a petite frame, lovely hair, dazzling eyes, white skin, charming smile, vain (to some extent), cute, lovable... well, a girl any guy could proudly show off to his friends and procclaim to the world as 'mine'.

i'm not like that...

but why are you being so nice? couldn't you just say that i look horrible, that i look too ordinary to be shown off, to have a dry, senseless taste in humor and the like, that i have nothing, not even one good quality to be proud of...

why can't you just say that i don't stand a chance? why can't you just say that we can't be together?
you're awfully nice. you're leading me on. you're giving me this false hope.

why can't you just end my suffering?

stop it. please.

you're killing me.


for who anyway?

i got home actually feeling fine, smiling and all that because not only had today been nice, i was just glad i was home again. so okay, i was deadbeat tired and i wanted to sleep a bit, but then sure, i guess you can add that to the 'wow i'm home now!' feeling.

i walked inside the computer room and my mom suddenly told me a cart full of things that had to be changed. something like moderating my usage of the words 'shit' and 'damn it' in my writing just because it didn't sound too appealing and other people might not like it.

sure, i can do that. but i just want to clarify a few things.

i logged on to my facebook account and started deleting all my plurk messages there, even stopping the connection between my plurk account and my facebook account for that matter. while i was deleting it, i took notice that out of the hundred plurk posts i had in the past few weeks, there was only at least a handful of them having cuss words included.

the internet. blogging. this is my friggin thesis so i should know that the internet is a way to express one's feelings. that's why social networking sites were born. that's why blogs exist. if there was no need for these, then why else would people be going nuts over their slow internet lines and whatnot?

and how do you express your feelings? i must admit, i haven't at all been happy these past few months, i am stressed. i am almost at my limit. i might have reached it already. i might have popped a nerve somewhere. try juggling everything and balancing a few others on top of your head. i don't sleep early and yet i wake up too early for comfort. how else can i describe how i feel but to put them and embody them in the word 'shitty'?

and of course, i must add that i have the right to say what i want to say. the freedom of speech, as what it says in the constitution. the internet is no excemption.

what's more, and i know everybody knows this, i write for myself. i don't care if people just scan their eyes over what i write. i write because i want to. i write because i choose to. i post what i feel because of the sole reason that i want to keep them in an electronic manner wherein they'll be safe. i post them online without the slightest thought of it being read by others. i have my own opinions, you have yours. if this is how i phrase it, then that's how it is.

as my mom raved on about how my cussing reflects who i am, i was thinking 'then isn't that the sole reason why you write? for people to know who you are?'

much as i like cussing, and i admit it's become an involuntary habit nowadays when quizzes and deadlines just suddenly pop out, i rarely bring it to what i write formally. i know when to write in the right manner and i know when i can relax and lower my language use.

this is how i see things. i'm a bit disconcerted by the fact that i have been reprimanded for the way i write, just because i dropped a few un-appealing words every now and then, but it's not just me, isn't it? the world is full of bad, cuss words and it's not just me who uses them.

the world is biased. it only wants to hear the good things. it never wants to hear, read and see the bad, awful, ugly truth that people have left it to be, and that there will really be no other word for it but un-appealing words because they hit home more than any word listed in the dictionary.


February 14, 2010

'be my valentine' failure text message

shing: nasaaaaaan ka naaaaa? hahaha
(stashes away phone, not expecting a reply)
(phone vibrates suddenly after 15 minutes)
justin: waa. shing :( sobrang sama ng pakiramdam ko today because of the concert kagabi. sorry. :|
(suddenly becomes happy because he replied)
(suddenly thinks of a hirit line and types it down)
(asks people if she should send it)
shing: aww. cge. be my valentines na lang so i can forgive you. de jwk. haha. pahinga ka na lang dyan alryt?
(sends text message)

(until now, there hasn't been a reply)

oh lord, i NOW i did something wrong... AGAIN ._.


February 7, 2010

ako si ninoy


it was FUN :D nothing more to say but it was AWESOME. it was so COOL. no really :|
i wish i had more pictures ._.


February 6, 2010

rent : the matinee show

despite our failure to take awesome pictures, the play was totally awesome!

considering me and shani ddidn't really know the story (we never watched the movie anyway), we enjoyed the play immensely. it was good. we were close to crying in some scenes and laughed at the others. it was cool.

the story about how jonathan larson (the one who made Rent) wasn't able to even see his own masterpiece kept running through my mind :D he's awesome.

and can i say the person who played mark was a cutie?

i can't believe it! the seats we got were GOOD! i swear!!! it was totally awesome that we could finally see the actor's faces (not like when we watched Sweeney Todd... the seats were too far back). as shani said 'worth it toh!'

and the people there were really nice. i mean, the production staff. i guess they pretty much saw through us. shani and i were looking like a pair of raggamuffins beside all the glitzy people. most of the other people there wore short dresses or something to that effect, like they were going to a party.

well, at least we looked human and decent enough.

and the RCBC plaza was cool too. the architecture. the structure. the glass panes... it was all too awesome and we spent at least 30 minutes going around the building, admiring every single floor with its awesome structure.

we got there around 2, and since shani was hungkry, we took off to tokyo tokyo after admiring the building to eat. there was a picture of a japanese girl who reminded me so much of alex mendoze, and i kept telling shani about it, but all she said was 'oh, maybe it's the hair' but i'm sure it was also the face the girl had that reminded me of my friend.

then because we felt like it, we took the 'underground' walkway. yes, it's a first for the both of us. i'm sure a lot of people who go to makati take the underground walkway (because it's the rule) but shani and i were new to it so we spent our time just walking slowly and thinking about how coo it would be underground. i told her, what if everywhere in the philippines, there was just a big underground walkway, where everyone needed to walk. it would be miles and miles of tunnels underground while all the cars passed above, but shani said there was a book like that already, but we both didn't know what the title was.

but it would've been a cool idea though. although i'm not really sure if it would be still as cool if it were already nighttime.

so yes, in short, today was awesome. yes. awesome :)


Rent by 9works theatrical : click here

have you...

ever doubted?

have you ever doubted about yourself, your identity, your mission, your aim, your goals, your abilities, your skills?

have you ever wondered if you'll ever cross that finish line?

have you ever wondered why you can't make yourself any better than the way you are now? better yet, have you ever wondered why you can't change at all?

have you ever doubted if everything in your life is at the right place and at the right time? have you ever wondered why things in your life have bee so much fucked up that you can't move anymore?

have you ever felt confused and helpless at the same time? have you ever been betrayed?

have you ever though that you've been cheated out of love and loyalty?

have you ever though that there was nothing to be happy about the next day?

have you ever thought of just asking God to let you die in your sleep, and then take it back the moment you think of it because your family still needs you?

have you ever been so messed up?

have you ever lost almost a half of what you think is rightfully yours?

have you ever thought the memories you hold contain false pretext?

actually, have you ever thought that the stuff and the people you now hold don't belong to you at all?

have you ever thought that the things you set free out of love aren't coming back because they don't, didn't and have not ever belonged to you in the first place?

have you cried your eyes out, stopped the tears from coming, and then start the cycle all over?

have you ever thought that the days that were supposed to be made out of smiles and laughter are going to be just a big pain in the heart?

have you ever thought that there was no point in living a life in one huge big lie?

have you ever wondered why you couldn't say the words which you were supposed to say, ask the questions you were supposed to ask, and do the things that you are supposed to do but then you've never gone through them all?

well, have you?

because i have.

and it's driving me insane.


February 2, 2010

the trends

so, when i opened my issue of Pauliworld today, i found myself staring at PL's and Pat Nabong's feature article entitled 'InterNetwork'. It featured facebook, twitter and tumblr and their insights about it.

honestly, i don't do trends. i was the girl who detested skinny jeans when they first came out and was only forced into them because my mother bought me an expensive pair and my conscience wouldn't let me rest with the fact that it might go to waste. I didn't opt to have bangs when everyone else had them. i read, sis and played everything after everyone else did them because i didn't want to follow the trend.

after reading the article, i was thinking 'oh internet trends...'. i didn't follow them either. until now, i don't have facebook and it still remains a mystery for my cousins why i don't have one. the only trendy account i have is plurk, and i had it even way before people started to have one (courtesy of Hrin and her ingenious idea of making an account so we could update each other with what's been happening to both of us even if we were miles apart -- but that's past ._.).

i can't explain why i don't even like following trends. chie and i are totally opposite when it comes to them: she knows trends even before they come out and i only do trends when they're forgotten and stories about it have died down.

whatever. i don't need to do them to act cool because i know i'm cool enough :P


February 1, 2010

student eye bags

i admit, i didn't have enough sleep last night.

first, i crammed with zhar in writing the abstract part of our thesis, and then when i finally put myself to bed, i reached for my copy of 'House of the Spirits' by Isabel Allende and ended up sleeping at around 12 with hateful thoughts towards the character named Esteban Trueba because he's one big evil meanie... well, that's what i think (the same sentiments i've heard many people say, but yes, he's not a character you would love anyway).

I woke up this morning at around 4:45 wondering if i even hit the alarm clock minutes before, but because i'm a slow person in the morning, i opted not think dwell upon that question and got out of bed. and the only time i was able to look at my face clearly was during math time, 4th subject, when i entered IV-6's washroom.

starting back at me were oh-so dark circles below my eyes and i panicked. It's been a long time since i've seen them that dark and i looked terribly ugly. i mean, i don't care for looks and appearances, i couldn't care less about my hair or the way i dress, but the face ._.

so right now, just an hour before my appointed sleep time (which i will surely follow... i promise), i ended up researching about eyebags and dark circles and how to get rid of them.

from candymag :

How do I reduce my eye bags and dark circles?
Eye bags and dark circles are two different conditions and are frequently interchanged. However, the former refers to puffy under eyes. If they are due to lack of sleep, a result of crying, or rubbing, a cold compress can help get circulation in the area going, thereby bringing down the swelling. However, if you have always had eyebags, then you'll need to learn to apply concealer (one shade lighter than your skin tone) underneath the eyebags, not on it. The light shade brings that area forward, de-emphasizing the puffiness of your eyebags. Blend accordingly, then set with loose powder. Dark circles however refer to the grayish undertones under your eyes. If this is your condition, choose a concealer that matches your skin tone perfectly. Applying too much concealer underneath the entire eye can actually highlight your dark circles more than hide them, so apply the concealer only to the dark areas. Blend with a sponge or your finger, then top off with loose powder.

from care2 :

Adapted from The Herbal Home Spa, by Greta Breedlove (Storey Books, 1998).
Nobody looks good with puffy bags under their eyes, but how to get rid of them? Everyone’s got their magic potions, but this is the easiest remedy I’ve ever run across, and it really works!
I was so surprised by the single kitchen ingredient that this how-to calls for—it’s not a cucumber, and you’re sure to have one on hand. Find out the secret!
Raw potato slices will help tighten baggy, puffy eyes. All you need is a potato and a knife or slicer!
To Make:
1. Slice 1/4 potato to fit over your eyes.
2. Cut 2 slices or, if you prefer, 5 to 10 very thin slices, several for each eye. Either method works.

To Use:
1. Spritz eye area with water.
2. Lying down, place the potato slices on your eyelids and leave in place for at least 10 minutes for best results.

ice... make-up... potatoes... oh c'mon.... it's not like i have all the time in the world now, do i? but i might consider doing these during summer...

maybe :P