June 24, 2010

where did the drive go?

i don't know why, but there seems to be something off in my life lately. but don't get me wrong, i'm enjoying school immensely -- it's just that i've seem to have come to a point of stagnancy, of being stuck in the middle: i can't move forward because something from the past is dragging me back. unless i finish what i've started long before, i can't enjoy what's happening right now because it's just stuck in my mind... with mighty bond, no doubt. 

and what's more, i can't put things in their right place. i want to do this, i want to do that, i HAVE to do this, i HAVE to do that. do you understand? no i don't either... and that's the friggin problem here O_O. it's like i'm saying i don't HAVE any priorities right now, when i'm SUPPOSED to have them.

i want to get things straight and move on. there are so many things that i feel is dragging me down, and i want to break away from those. the question i ask myself constantly is HOW i should go about it, but somehow i can't seem to answer it. 

definitely, i'm scared for myself. i'm scared that i can't make it. earlier this morning, i felt like crying hard when it was time to announce the Filipino diagnostic tests results. a huge part of me was saying i'd fail it and i wasn't ready to accept it. 

and that was JUST a diagnostic test. what if it was something way bigger? 

i don't know anymore. i can't believe that lack of competency i'm in right now. i no longer BELIEVE. heck, i can't even DREAM. 

so frustrating >_> 


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