one of the many reasons why i've abandoned this tiny internet space of mine is because i've been doing papers for both english and lit and both, frustratingly, need to have this some certain structure to them. i admit, i am guilty of this one: i never do the coherence shiz. i fail at it, regrettably, but blogs don't exactly force you to comply with that. i don't think readers would give me a B or an F just because they didn't seem to get my thesis statement or because i don't exactly adhere to some criteria. with that said, get ready for some serious and intense rambling.
another good reason why i haven't blogged is because i was emotionally fucked up for the last few weeks. given that my hormones have somehow reacted violently with the way they were jostled, tossed around and made to do somersaults, i think i give this reason some credit. I mean, i don't really like writing when i'm not cool and at war with the rest of humanity. that'll just make me sound a whiny bitch who couldn't know any better.
but these past two weeks have indeed tested me. i'll get to the academic part later, but for now, let's talk about the emotional aspect of my life.
i. am. indeed. a. martyr.
but that doesn't mean i can't get out of being one. there were indeed times when i thought i wouldn't get over my little momentary one sided fling, but i guess i've finally jumped over it. i'm quite happy that i'm not bound anymore, that i don't need to cry anymore, that i don't feel hurt or anything for that matter. i'm quite pretty content at how things are right now, and if it were indeed possible, i'd wish it would stay the same until i graduated college. it took me a long time to realize it, but without chie and anapat to baby me or bea (palomar) and shaniqua to listen to my incessant rants, i've finally realized how it is to stand on my own two feet. yes, i DO have my blockmates for all the love, guidance and support and i thank them wholeheartedly for that, but in a way, they've treated me as an adult (or at least a mature human being) rather than to coddle me and thus forcing me to depend on my own devices to finally close that gap there is in my heart.
WOOHOO! 10 points for me!
with that said, i guess i'd shift now to the serious side of things: academics. over all, i guess i have to admit that i haven't really been exerting much effort and force. well, not to the point that i've gone ahead and abandoned my social life to befriend books and notebooks, the way i did back in highschool. right now, i'm starting to realize that college is not just about academics but about instilling will power in your everyday routine. i've already warmed up sufficiently to my college life, and i guess i feel comfortable in it, if not totally at home, and sadly, i've realized that i've been too happy, indulging myself to its earthly pleasures (don't get me wrong, they're innocent enough :|) that i've seem to have forgotten how it is to be a student.
the moment i get home, i turn on the computer with the reason of checking my mail because my teachers upload their ppts and such. but later on, i get distracted with the internet, and i'm a victim of the mass brainwashing power that the net has. and i can't believe i fall for this every single night.
in school, i choose to stay there, specifically at rizal lib, because of a) aircon and b) the silence. naturally, i take advantage of this greatly by studying there until around 3.
which now moves us to the next topic: my mom's trust in me.
i actually question it. a WHOLE lot. she seems to be a bit pissed by my habit that i'd go home at 3 because i'd rather study there than at home. when i DO get home, she takes it that i've been with my blockmates again, hanging out with them. first, she doesn't believe i study at the lib. second, i don't think she thinks hanging out is really a nice idea of wasting time, when all you do is talk and gossip.
right now, she's pissed at the way that i got home at 9 because i ate dinner with my block. can she blame me if i feel hungry? can she blame me if i got blinded by the fact that someone was going to take me home for a change (hi vernon! thanks ha \:D/)?
i've even come to think about this as rational as i could. looking back and remembering all her stories about her college days, i think my mom's just worried that i'll turn into someone like her. i mean, not in a bad way or anything, but she DID have her share of some college mishaps and happiness that drove her to forget about schoolwork and such.
but i did promise that i wouldn't stray from the righteous path. and i rarely break promises. it's, again, just a matter of will power, and i'm risking it. it's just that i just need her to trust in me more. i can make it, God knows i can, but i don't want her to start doubting my motives as to the reasons why i come home late. for me, they'd always have a good reason. i have yet to find a bad one, but in my opinion, i don't think i'll buy it.
so for now, i'm just hanging on to a string, still fixing my life when i thought i've gotten it fixed already. i'm pondering on a lot of things in my life right now, but i don't think i've gotten into a rut. not yet. and i think i can handle the pressure. i always do, in the end anyway. i just pray that my wings could take me just a bit farther -- enough to prove to myself that i deserve to be in the school i'm in, and that i can do even better.
oh that would be just cool.