for who anyway?

i got home actually feeling fine, smiling and all that because not only had today been nice, i was just glad i was home again. so okay, i was deadbeat tired and i wanted to sleep a bit, but then sure, i guess you can add that to the 'wow i'm home now!' feeling.

i walked inside the computer room and my mom suddenly told me a cart full of things that had to be changed. something like moderating my usage of the words 'shit' and 'damn it' in my writing just because it didn't sound too appealing and other people might not like it.

sure, i can do that. but i just want to clarify a few things.

i logged on to my facebook account and started deleting all my plurk messages there, even stopping the connection between my plurk account and my facebook account for that matter. while i was deleting it, i took notice that out of the hundred plurk posts i had in the past few weeks, there was only at least a handful of them having cuss words included.

the internet. blogging. this is my friggin thesis so i should know that the internet is a way to express one's feelings. that's why social networking sites were born. that's why blogs exist. if there was no need for these, then why else would people be going nuts over their slow internet lines and whatnot?

and how do you express your feelings? i must admit, i haven't at all been happy these past few months, i am stressed. i am almost at my limit. i might have reached it already. i might have popped a nerve somewhere. try juggling everything and balancing a few others on top of your head. i don't sleep early and yet i wake up too early for comfort. how else can i describe how i feel but to put them and embody them in the word 'shitty'?

and of course, i must add that i have the right to say what i want to say. the freedom of speech, as what it says in the constitution. the internet is no excemption.

what's more, and i know everybody knows this, i write for myself. i don't care if people just scan their eyes over what i write. i write because i want to. i write because i choose to. i post what i feel because of the sole reason that i want to keep them in an electronic manner wherein they'll be safe. i post them online without the slightest thought of it being read by others. i have my own opinions, you have yours. if this is how i phrase it, then that's how it is.

as my mom raved on about how my cussing reflects who i am, i was thinking 'then isn't that the sole reason why you write? for people to know who you are?'

much as i like cussing, and i admit it's become an involuntary habit nowadays when quizzes and deadlines just suddenly pop out, i rarely bring it to what i write formally. i know when to write in the right manner and i know when i can relax and lower my language use.

this is how i see things. i'm a bit disconcerted by the fact that i have been reprimanded for the way i write, just because i dropped a few un-appealing words every now and then, but it's not just me, isn't it? the world is full of bad, cuss words and it's not just me who uses them.

the world is biased. it only wants to hear the good things. it never wants to hear, read and see the bad, awful, ugly truth that people have left it to be, and that there will really be no other word for it but un-appealing words because they hit home more than any word listed in the dictionary.

--shing